Every once in a while I’ll hear some fireworks nearby but I won’t be able to pinpoint the source. And that’s frustrating, because I want to see those fireworks. They do two things, explode into a colorful and fiery lightshow, and make really loud noises. Only getting the second part, that’s no fun. In fact, if you simply isolate the sound, if all you’re getting is those loud booms, I don’t think there’s really anything positive about that at all. It’s just annoying.

But the booms with the lights, that’s great. Fireworks are awesome. Which is why I’m so pissed off right now, I keep hearing fireworks go off in ten second bursts, not like any sort of official displays, but just people around the neighborhood setting off some choice works from their own personal stashes.

One time I was riding my bike home from work when these guys half a block in front of me set off this gigantic firework. I didn’t see it coming, and so the loud crack coupled with my not having seen it coming at all actually threw me off my bike. I fell sideways, but even as my body made contact with the pavement, I still made it a point to crane my neck to the side, to look up, to get a good view of that firework. It was awesome, totally worth it.

When I was a little kid, my mother always told me this story about how when she was a little kid, her brother and some neighborhood friends were messing around with fireworks. Guess what happened? One of the kids lost all of his fingers, and my uncle took a firework right to the mouth. Right inside of the mouth. He had to get all of these stitches to sew up the insides of his cheeks.

That’s what my mom told me anyway. She also told me that she swam the English Channel. And I was only in Pre-K, so I totally believed her. I remember asking her questions like, “How did you swim for over a day?” and she’d tell me stuff like, “Oh, you know, someone follows you in a boat and throws you food.” I told my teachers, everybody, I’d always think to myself, why do they keep laughing? Why does everybody think this is such a big joke?