Tag Archives: Funny

Haha that’s so funny

Whenever I settle in to write something down, I’m usually aiming for funny. But how do you turn on funny? I have no idea. Spoiler alert: this probably isn’t going to be funny at all. I know from experience that, if you really, really try to be funny, if you truly want it, it’s never going to happen. Even worse, it’s going to show. Your lame attempt to make people laugh is going to come off as: look at me everybody, I’m trying really hard to be funny.

And so it’s like I said, I have no idea how to turn on the funny. I’m not even sure that I’ve ever written anything funny. That sounded terrible. It sounded like a poor invitation for me to get anybody reading this to think to themselves, no, come on Rob, you’re funny, don’t be like that.

But what I mean to say is, I can never tell if what I think is funny will at all translate to funny for a general audience. I’ll have ideas that pop into my head all the time, some of them very funny. I’ll be at work, or at the grocery store, and I’ll start laughing. I’ll take out my iPhone and open up the notepad app, thinking, this is great, this is going to be so funny when I go home and write it out.

And then I’ll sit down at my computer and I’ll look at my notes and nothing makes sense anymore. I mean, I can read what I wrote down, and yeah, I kind of have the memory of what I was going for when it came to me earlier. But where is the funny? It’s not funny anymore. I don’t know what happened, or where it went. That’s unfortunate, but at least it’s straightforward. I had a funny idea that didn’t translate into funny writing and so there’s nothing I can do really.

But sometimes it’s not as obvious. Every once in a while I’ll write something that’s looking pretty funny. I’ll get all giggly as I type the words onto the keyboard. By the time I’m done, maybe my sides hurt, maybe it’s actually cost me something trying to maintain my composure long enough to sit still and make coherent sentences out of whatever’s going on inside my head.

That has to be funny, I’ll think, that was so funny just writing it, there’s no way it’s not going to be funny. And I’ll calm down and I’ll let it sit for a second and, when I come back, something’s happened. It’s the same piece of writing, but the funny is nowhere to be found. It’s as if it never existed in the first place. I panic, I reread it back to myself a couple more times, come on, there had to have been something. I mean, I was laughing, that was a real feeling. If there’s nothing on the screen that’s funny, what was I laughing at before? What was so funny?

And I’ll try to force the funny. Maybe I’ll just go ahead with it, and then I’ll get disappointed when I can tell that nobody else thinks it’s funny. Because I don’t know. I have no idea how any of this stuff is ever going to go over.

And then in some cruel cosmic twist, every once in a while I’ll get serious and try to write something substantial. I’m making a point, I feel like I’m actually using my words to convey some sort of a larger message. And I’ll read it and reread it and eventually I’ll post it on this blog.

And someone will be like, “Haha, Rob, that’s funny.”

Rob’s guide to 2014

Do you feel like you were just getting to know 2013? Like it wasn’t until October or November that you finally thought, oh, OK, I get it now, 2013, this is what it’s all about, this is great. And now it’s over, and for what? The teased promise of what could have been, if only you knew what you were doing for the first nine or ten months? It’s kind of like that really cool friend you made during your last semester at college. Where were you hiding this whole time? Why have we never hung out before?

And then it’s graduation and you both go your separate ways and, even though you make an effort to stay in touch, one of you moves away and the other gets a job and, well it’s not like you have that much of a shared history to fall back on. I mean, yeah, it was cool watching the entirety of Star Trek: The Next Generation together on the Sci-Fi channel. But time flies by, people enter and exit our lives seemingly at random.

Is this what 2014 is going to be like? Are you asking yourself, am I fated to stumble around blindly through the ages, never really getting a grip of where I’m at or what this year is supposed to be all about, not until it’s way too late?

Of course you are. But I’m here to make things a little easier. Even though we’re only at day one, I’ve got 2014 practically all mapped out. And I’m going to share with you some tips and tricks to really squeeze the most out of this year, what would have been the second new-world New Year, if only the Mayan apocalypse had arrived like we were all promised.

Let’s talk 2014 TV. Breaking Bad is over. That’s so 2013. And all of your other favorite TV shows aren’t getting any younger. Do yourself a favor and make sure you catch the second half of Brooklyn Nine-Nine. Yes, it’s on Fox, and nobody really watches Fox. But I’m telling you, this is definitely the most underrated show currently on TV. I started watching it almost by accident. I have my Netflix and Hulu all streaming to my TV via a little Roku box I picked up at Costco, and for whatever reason, when one show ends, it gives you like five seconds to play a new program, or it starts streaming something else automatically.

When Brooklyn Nine-Nine started up, I made a pretty decent attempt to find the little wand remote that the Roku came with, but after forty-five seconds or so of not immediately eyeing it within my general vicinity, I gave up and thought, OK, well at least I can dick around on my iPhone until this thing’s over.

I had no desire to watch Brooklyn Nine-Nine. Aside from the Lonely Island SNL videos, I never found Andy Sandburg to be particularly funny. But this show had me roped in almost immediately. I don’t know what to say besides the fact that it’s really funny. If it survives past season one, I know that it’s going to blow up into something huge. But that’s a big if. Fox has a reputation of cancelling strong shows that don’t immediately post stellar ratings.

And from what I’ve heard, there’s not too much buzz about it. I’m saying this not from looking online or reading any reviews, but just by asking around. Nearly everybody who I’ve inquired about Brooklyn Nine-Nine gave me the same dead stare, like they’d never heard of it, wondering if I was talking about something maybe I dreamt of, but a really strong dream, one that I carried into my waking life, mistakenly believing that I’d happened upon a hidden cool show. But it’s cool. Watch it.

More 2014 advice: Did I talk about Brooklyn Nine-Nine already? I did. Right. OK. What else? Actually, I don’t have anything else. I thought I’d get the ball rolling with the TV show thing and that it would naturally lead to all of my other great 2014 plans, but here we are, I’ve basically written what’s usually a blog post’s length of material here, and I’m kind of thinking that, why force any more out of it? So what, so I only have one half-hour network sitcom serving as the bulk of my plans for the New Year. Whatever. And yeah, I guess I should have just turned it into a straight up review post instead of making it like it’s going to somehow be topical, about today, about New Years. But like I said, I’ve already lost interest. I’ve got plenty of the year left to waste everyone’s time with this nonsense.

Happy New Year.

I’m so goddamn funny! Hahaha!

Hahaha! I like to be so funny at work. Everyone thinks I’m the funniest. All day long I’m just making jokes and doing wacky stuff. Everyone loves it! There used to be this other guy that worked with us and everyone else also thought that he was pretty funny, and sometimes people would say, “I don’t know which one of you two is funnier!” but that guy got fired like three months ago, and so now it’s just me. I hated that guy, mostly because I was really jealous of him and afraid that one day someone would say to somebody else, “You know, I’ve though about it and I’ve decided that the other guy is actually much funnier,” and word would get back to me and I would get so pissed off. And I’d get really angry just imagining that happening, and it would stay with me for the rest of the day, really getting in the way of my sense of humor. But, like I said, he’s gone now, so I have the spotlight completely to myself. I go into work and everyone’s like, “Here’s Rob! Get ready to laugh!” Hahaha!

I do this thing where I go up to three unsuspecting coworkers and I’ll ask one of them which one of the other two coworkers he or she likes better. Ha! Like the other two people aren’t even there! Ha! Like I’m talking about them behind there back, right in front of them! Ha! It’s great. And then while everyone is busy laughing at that joke, I’ll make my own decision, I’ll say something like, “I’m going to have to go with …” and then I’ll just say a random name. And everyone is so busy laughing from the first part of the joke that they don’t even see the second part coming. And the laughing gets so crazy, so intense, it’s like the muscles on the sides of everyone’s jaw are aching from holding their mouths open in such a sustained heavy laugh for so long. Like everyone’s face is red and the laughing is so hard that it hurts. There’s a part of everyone that wishes they could just catch their breath, just for a second, just one breath because they are all running out of oxygen, but the laughter is so gripping that nobody can even relax their chest muscles at all, not even for a second, not even to take half a breath. It’s like everyone’s torso muscles are just locked in a flexed position, and it’s not even a laugh anymore, it’s beyond a laugh, it’s just a bunch of deep-red-faced people standing around twitching almost violently because they’re stuck in the grip of a profoundly deep seismic laugh. It’s great!

Everyone at work has to be clean-shaven every day. I know, right? Crazy. What is this the army? Ha! That was funny! I say funny little witty comments like that all the time at work. Like the boss will post a memo about some new rule, and I’ll just point to it and say to everyone, “Geez, what is this, the Marine Corps?” and everyone will just laugh and laugh. Anyway, one time for a whole month I only shaved one side of my face, letting the other side get all beardy. Every time my boss came into the room, I’d make sure that she was only facing me from my clean side. As soon as she turned away from me, I’d switch sides and silently point out my bearded profile to everyone else, right behind her back. Everyone would start laughing and my boss wouldn’t get it, obviously, so she’d turn around to see what was going on, but while she was turning around, I’d expertly rotate my body 180 degrees, almost in unison with her turning around to me, and I’d pretend like I was working really hard, not even paying attention to what was going on. She would get really flustered at the other employees for fooling around on the job too much, and while she yelled at them, I’d turn around again and start dancing behind her, constantly switching sides, alternating between serious, clean-shaven Rob and zany, bearded Rob. This only made my coworkers laugh even more, and it was made my boss even angrier, because this was all going down just as everyone was getting yelled at for laughing and goofing off in the first place, and they were trying really hard not to laugh, like biting down on their fists and pretending that the laughing wasn’t laughing, but coughing, but it wasn’t convincing at all. That was so funny! People are still talking about how funny that was! Ha!

I have this other trick where I walk around with a teapot. Hahaha! It’s crazy! Usually, when someone’s walking around with a teapot, it’s usually filled with boiling water. You know, for like tea and stuff. So I started this little game where I would walk around with a teapot, making sure to take really careful steps, holding it by the edge very cautiously, and then as soon as I got near a coworker, I would pretend like I’m spazzing out and I’d lose control of the teapot. But, hahaha! here’s the twist: there wouldn’t ever be any hot water in the teapot. Get it? So whoever was by me would get all freaked out, would get ready for a scalding hot burn, but just after all of the muscles in their body finished clenching up they’d realize that it was all a big prank! And the teapot always made this hollow crashing sound to the floor and that’s when everyone would start laughing like crazy! And after whoever it was realized that it was empty, they’d just catch their breath and then kind of shoot me this look that said without saying it, “Who else but Rob G.?” before joining in the laughter with everyone else. It’s hilarious! (Although one time I actually did drop a pot of really hot tea on somebody, but this person must have been so conditioned to laughing whenever I had a teapot that, instead of crying out in pain, he just doubled over on the floor, busting a gut. I’d like to think that I made a normally terrible experience just a little bit more enjoyable.)

I do all sorts of crazy stuff at work! I hide people’s stuff and then leave little notes that are half-jokes/half-clues, all leading back to their missing stuff! I’ll dip my hand in honey and then walk around the room giving unsuspecting coworkers high-fives! I called up a coworker’s phone from a payphone down the block and told them I was the cops and that their parents got locked up for a vast money-laundering scheme! I fill up everybody’s drinks with Tabasco sauce! I replaced all of the Tabasco sauce with cherry syrup! I replaced all of the cherry syrup with vanilla syrup! I replaced all of the vanilla syrup with good maple syrup! I replaced all of the good maple syrup with gross Log Cabin artificial maple flavored syrup! One time I mixed up all of the labels on the soda machine! When one guy lost his wallet, I found it, but I stole fifty bucks! I’m so goddamn funny! Ask anyone! Hahaha! Hahahahaha! Ha!