Happy Labor Day everybody! Here’s to us, the workers, the men and women that make this country work. If it weren’t for a strong work ethic, this nation would have gone straight down the pipes a long time ago. So go ahead, take one Monday off, you earned it.

Here’s to a minimum wage that hasn’t gone up in forever, that when adjusted for inflation, doesn’t allow a full-time working adult to make a living. Here’s to you, minimum wage worker, thanks for doing what you’re doing, even though you probably have to ask for some sort of government assistance even though you are working, even though a lot of minimum wage employers won’t actually hire you full-time, they’ll make your hours just a little short of full-time, because they don’t want to pay you insurance or a living wage.

A special Labor Day thank you to our wonderful politicians, year after year doing nothing to address the issue of stagnating wages. Thanks to the Democrats for paying very mild lip service to crafting legislation that would force job creators to pay a fair wage to their workers, but an extra special thanks to the Republican naysayers, ensuring through their steadfast opposition that eight or ten dollars an hour mandated by the government is just fine.

And a shout out to all the employers that only pay their employees the legally allowed bare minimum. You’re doing a great job. This is what America is all about. This is what life is all about. It’s about taking as much as you can, giving as little as possible, and making sure that nothing ever changes.

But really, thank you, thank you, thank you, to the millions of illegal immigrants currently toiling away in our fields, picking our strawberries, canning our tomatoes, all of the sharecropping jobs that pay just enough for an individual to survive. How much does an undocumented immigrant make nowadays anyway? I have no idea. That’s the whole point. It’s undocumented.

Just never complain about anything, you hear that aliens? We all appreciate your hard work, but if you complain, or cause a fuss, we’ll send you back. Where? Who cares? Somewhere south of the border. You want that? We don’t really care, because there are millions and millions of eager non-citizens willing to risk their lives to take your place. They won’t complain. So think about that the next time you try another one of those May Day parades come spring.

Finally, I’d like to send out my sincere thanks to the people at the top. Thank you, really, thank you, for making our country what it is. You are the foundation upon which the entire nation stands. You create the jobs. You spend the money that makes funding national campaigns possible. You send the lobbyists to Washington to then remind the politicians what they were sent there to do. Thank you for using your power responsibly and fairly. It’s very clear that, with all of the money and power and law at your disposal, you’ve all been doing a really good job for the past thirty years making America a great place for everybody to live. Seriously, business people live and die by results. And the results speak for themselves. Keep up the great work. Don’t change anything.

Everybody else, I hope you had a nice day of barbequing. It would be nice if you could come in early tomorrow and get a head start on the four-day week.