I’ve been thinking a lot lately about getting a gun. But my problem is, I know that whatever gun I wind up buying probably won’t satisfy me in terms of everything that I’m looking for in a firearm. I’m not sure gun technology is where it should be. In many ways, a lot of the qualities that I think would make the perfect weapon don’t yet exist in any gun. For example, I would love to own a gun that shot out energy beams in addition to traditional bullets. Do any gun companies have working ray gun prototypes? I’m not sure. But even if they do, I doubt that space weaponry will be available for commercial use any time soon. But what about appearance? Couldn’t somebody invent a regular gun that at least looks like a ray gun? Why does every gun have to be so boring? Would it be too much to ask to have guns available in different colors, like iPods?

Bullets must cost a fortune. I have no idea, and I’m too lazy to look up online to see if it’s the case. (Also, I don’t want my Internet browser thinking that I’m looking up stuff about ammunition. If I ever get mistakenly accused of a murder, I don’t want the detectives saying to the judge, “Well, your honor, he was doing some research about guns. Looks open and shut to me.”) Let’s just assume that bullets cost a lot. And once you use them, you can never get them back. That’s why I’m really looking for someone to invent a gun with only one bullet, but the bullet will be tethered to a tiny cable so that, after you’re done firing, you can just press a button on the side and the bullet will return right back to the barrel, ready to be shot all over again. I’m sure bullet companies would be reluctant to introduce this kind of reusable ammo, because then people wouldn’t be throwing all of their money away on bullets. Also, are there any independent bullet companies or just gun companies that also make bullets in addition to guns? Somebody do the research and get back to me. I promise I’ll read the results.

Does anybody have any idea how hard it is to break into the bullet market? Assuming it’s feasible to start a new bullet company, I think I should give it a try. I have so many ideas for new types of bullets. Like, what about bullets that release a scent when fired? It could be anything, fruit flavors, colognes … I’m just thinking of how to really personalize the shooting experience. Which leads me to more obvious innovations, like engraved bullets, or bullets that, instead of ending in a point, come to the shape of a backwards letter, so that when you shoot something, or someone, it will leave an imprint of a letter instead of just a circle. These would totally help reduce crime. Say for example that somebody gets murdered, and they died of a letter B gunshot wound to the head, and you only have two suspects, and one’s name is Barry and the other’s name is Pete, well, I think I’ve just solved your murder right there.

What about a gun that fired a bullet, but just slightly slower than a regular gun? Or what about a gun with an adjustable speed setting, so that you could choose how fast you want the bullet to fire? This way kids could learn to play with guns in a safe and controlled environment. Also, instead of going out somewhere to play paintball, we could all just use real guns but on a light-to-moderate setting. It would be more realistic and dangerous, and therefore more fun.

What if you and a bunch of your friends went out to play paintball, and while you were there, a group of criminals raided the place, armed with real guns, and tried to hold everyone hostage? How confident are you in your team’s paintball skills? Confident enough not to back down? I would have my team run through our various defensive and evasive maneuvers, “just like we drilled, boys,” counting on the fact that we could outplay and therefore beat the gang of robbers. It would be the most exciting game of paintball any of us would ever get to play in our entire lives. If one of the gunmen somehow sneaks up behind me, covered in paint, ready to send me packing, I’d play stupid, like, “Whoa! You guys are for real? I thought this was part of the game!” and then when he hesitates, I’d do something crazy to disarm him, or at least sneak back into the woods. We’d all have to be wearing pretty convincing camouflage. But I’ve never actually played paintball, so it’s really anyone’s guess as to how that would turn out.

I’ve never even fired a real gun. The closest I ever came was this one time recently where my grandfather was showing us a bunch of his rifles from the Army. One of my uncles handed me a gun and I started aiming at things around the house and playing with the trigger and the loading mechanism, making “Bam! Bam!” sounds as I pretended to mow down everyone in my family. My uncle abruptly took the gun away. One of my little kid cousins came up and asked to see the gun, and my uncle gave it to him but said to him in very stern voice, “Never touch the trigger! Never point any gun at anybody! Always assume it’s loaded!” I think he was saying it so loud because little kids today are barely paying attention to anything, so you have to really drill it into their skulls, whatever it is you want to tell them.