Did you guys hear that Beyonce lip-synched the national anthem at Barack Obama’s inauguration? I’m physically ill just thinking about it. Hold on. OK, I held it back. But that was tough. Wait, it’s coming back. OK, I’m good. Wait. No. Wait. All right, I think it’s passed.

On inauguration day. What a travesty. What a mockery. Of America! Do you know that she didn’t even write that song? Come on, you’re going to sing a cover at the swearing in of the President? What’s wrong with you, Beyonce? Don’t you have any pride? Don’t you care about performing, about originality, about the President? About America?

And that was just Beyonce. Obama’s performance that whole day was just as disgraceful. Did you see the parade? Him and his wife walking down the street? Obama kept smiling and waving. Who was he waving at? Do you think he personally knows anybody that he was waving to? What a phony. Get rid of this hack. If I’m walking down the street, I don’t just start waving at random people. It’s so fake.

And the smiling? Is anybody that genuinely happy for that continuous a stretch of time? There’s no way his or the first lady’s smiles were real, not a hundred percent of the time. I’m sorry, but America deserves a President that doesn’t have to fake being happy. Fake smile. Fake wave. Fake national anthem.

Oh yeah, and that speech he gave? Pre-written. Read off of a teleprompter. What is this, Saturday Night Live? I expect my President to get out there and speak, from the cuff, off the cuff, from the heart. He shouldn’t have to think ahead about what he needs to say. Blah blah blah America. Blah blah blah we the people. Not leaving anything to chance are you Mr. President?

And speaking of fake speeches. Did you watch the speech on TV? Well guess what? That wasn’t the President you heard pretending to make a speech. It was your TV. You were looking at a screen. That voice? It’s just a pair of speakers. You’re going to let some stupid machine that you bought at a department store tell you how excited it is to lead the nation forward? I didn’t think so.

Oh, but you went to DC to hear the speech in person? Sorry, that wasn’t the President either. That was a whole sound system of speakers and PAs all laid out along the periphery of the mall. That wasn’t really his voice you were hearing, it was a facsimile of his voice, amplified by even more machines. You didn’t hear Abe Lincoln making some machine do his speech making for him. No, he stood there and he screamed so that everybody could hear him. Why wasn’t Obama screaming? Couldn’t you at least fake scream? A total lack of enthusiasm. It’s like the one thing he forgot to pretend to do was to pretend to care.

This guy is the worst President our country has ever had. And he’s up there and he’s fake smiling. You ever see that guy’s teeth? They’re way too perfect. Are you telling me that that is his natural smile? Absolutely no way. I’m sure he’s had at least a couple of fillings, maybe some bridge work. What a phony! He can’t even get up there and flash a natural smile. You know what George Washington had? Wooden teeth, like a real man, like a real American. Sure it was disgusting, and nobody wanted to stand too close to him, because not only was it unsightly, but toothpaste hadn’t been invented yet, so all of those gross gum abscesses, they really just kept the General at a distance. But nobody doubted his sincerity, his love of country, his devotion to the Constitution. Sure, you couldn’t always understand him, because, again, the wooden teeth, and when he sang the national anthem, well, I don’t think it was written until much later, but whatever, it was garbled and all of those guys were always kind of drunk anyway, but that’s the way it was, that was the safest thing to drink back then, booze, everything else might of had cholera or typhoid. But those guys, those men, Washington, Lincoln, they were the real deal. Not like this pretty boy Obama with his fancy fake speeches and his pretend national anthem and his microphones and his overcoats. You didn’t see Jefferson wearing an overcoat. And why doesn’t Obama wear a powdered wig? Too good for tradition?

Four more years boys and girls. Four more years until we can get a real inauguration with a real singer and a real speech. I mean, really.