Tag Archives: Money

Whenever I think about Ben Affleck as the new Batman, I can’t stop that episode of South Park from playing in my head, the one where his long-lost biological parents have butts for faces

Everybody’s talking about Ben Affleck being cast as Batman in the new Superman movies. Well, almost everybody. I doubt the Dalai Llama is talking about it. But you know what, that’s not really fair of me, just assuming that His Holiness isn’t a fan of superhero movies. So I’ll rephrase it: a lot of people are talking about Ben Affleck taking over as Batman.

ben affleck meme

My immediate reaction was pure disbelief. And while I don’t want to let my instinctual, “You’ve got to be kidding me!” prevent me from giving Affleck a fair shake, it’s really pretty tough to imagine him as the Caped Crusader. Do we have to get into Daredevil?

All right, let’s get into Daredevil. Superhero movies were just beginning to breach the mainstream. The X-Men and Spider-Man franchises were such undeniable hits that Hollywood decided to dip into the Marvel canon to see which other costumed crime fighters might make for successful big screen blockbusters.

And that’s how we got Daredevil. It was a cheesy movie. And I’m being nice here. Go ahead and search the Internet for other opinions or reviews about Daredevil. Some point to it as the reason why Hollywood should be out of the comic book movie business all together. And fair or not, Ben Affleck is the lead. Draped in his red leather jumpsuit, Ben Affleck is Daredevil.

Affleck should feel lucky that Daredevil didn’t derail his career in the same way that Catwoman destroyed Halle Berry’s. And we as an audience should feel fortunate that Daredevil didn’t prevent the studios from going ahead and green lighting future superhero projects. Just imagine what could have went down if the exec who approved Batman Begins had happened to catch a few minutes of Dardevil playing on FX right before he was scheduled to sit down with Christopher Nolan. I shudder to think of a world absent of The Dark Knight.

Which is why casting Affleck as the new Batman amounts to six steps backward after three monumental steps in the right direction. I kind of understand where DC is coming from. Marvel Comics clearly holds the advantage in terms of its ability to turn even its tertiary characters into big screen behemoths, and after The Dark Knight Rises wrapped up one of the most successful trilogies in movie history, everybody was eager to maintain the momentum.

That’s why we had Man of Steel earlier this year. And I get it, in terms of its money making ability, the new Superman was an undisputed success. But was it a good movie? I didn’t think so. It was too serious, and once the fight scene that comprised the entire second half of the movie got underway, it was too boring.

Still, numbers don’t lie, and adding a rebooted Batman to the equation, especially in light of The Avengers super-group success, it was the next logical decision. What doesn’t make sense is Ben Affleck. With moviegoers around the world more than willing to pay upwards of twenty dollars to see a movie that hasn’t even begun filming, why risk spoiling the fun with a man whose talents clearly belong behind the camera rather than in front?

I realize that I’m not even giving Ben Affleck a chance to prove me wrong, but he just doesn’t make sense as Bruce Wayne. I don’t see pain, I don’t see a lifetime of training to fight crime, I just see Ben Affleck, I see Daredevil, I see the guy in the Runner Runner commercials screaming over-the-top obscenities at Justin Timberlake.

I hope that I’m wrong. Nobody wants to see a successful Batman/Superman movie more than me. Well that’s probably not true, there are probably other people who want to see it succeed more than I do, like people who have a vested interest in its performing well. Like Ben Affleck, I’m sure he wants it to succeed more than I do, to prove everybody wrong, to give the Bruce Wayne performance of a lifetime. If I see it, and it bombs, I’ll just be like, well, that was a bad movie. If he makes it and it’s no good … well, I guess he’ll still be OK. He got past Daredevil. Right? Yeah, Ben Affleck’s going to be OK either way.

Unimaginable wealth, indescribable power, exquisite tastes in the rarest wines and finest watches

One of my friends works in a really fancy restaurant, like much fancier than any restaurant I’ve ever stepped foot in. He told me that they have this vintage wine list, and that one of these vintage wines costs a thousand dollars a bottle. The restaurant only had two bottles, because I’m assuming that its exclusivity has more than a little something to do with such a steep price tag. Anyway, over the summer, apparently some guy came in with his family and they bought both of them.

What is it like to drink a thousand dollars? How is such a price even tabulated? Why not two thousand dollars? Why not ten? Once you’re getting to a level that’s beyond absurd, beyond the numerics of everyday reality, why do you even bother putting a price tag on it at all? To me, to a complete outsider to the world of thousand dollar wines, all I see is an insanely rich person going to another insanely rich person and exchanging an insane amount of money for a bottle or two of wine.

One time I was working for a caterer, providing food and drinks for a private party at this jewelry store in the city. The private party wasn’t really a party; the jeweler had invited all of these mega rich people to come and look at their exclusive collection of watches. There were maybe half a dozen guests. I’m pretty sure the wait staff outnumbered the clients by a factor of two to one.

And I remember standing there in my ridiculous catering tuxedo, trailing behind these ultra wealthy shoppers, making sure they had a little snack or a drink whenever they wanted. Super, super rich people have a way of carrying about their super, super rich lives in front of all of the people clinging to them, serving them, making sure that they’re constantly happy, as if they’re totally alone, as if everyone else is some sort of a decoration.

I saw one guy buy a watch that night for something like seventy thousand dollars. And he was putting on this ridiculous show to the salesperson, like, “Oh, I know I shouldn’t. I shouldn’t! But I just love watches. I just can’t stop buying watches!” and then his wife chimed in, “It’s true! He has so many watches. He can’t stop collecting watches!”

I thought to myself right there how absurd, how disgusting this whole situation was. Here we are, organic finite beings on this cooling rock of molten lava orbiting around the sun, itself orbiting around the center of the galaxy, all of us completely insignificant specks in the cosmos, all of us getting older ever day, going about our lives hoping that it all might mean something, that it all might make sense in some sort of a cosmic plan. And here I was, myself orbiting this guy with my tray of champagne glasses, him orbiting these glass cases displaying finely crafted metal instruments, metal instruments used to tick-tock, to count away the one thing that binds us all together. This metal, it’s going to outlast all of us. And how much money gets spent protecting this metal, these watches, hiring security firms to guard the watches, professionals to maintain the watches, keep them spotless?

On my way out of that building a bunch of security guys went through my backpack, I don’t know why, making sure I didn’t steal anything I guess. As if I could have. Do they really think I’m that clever? Or that stupid? That whole place was locked down like a fortress. I imagined the final pat-down just a friendly little reminder of my role in this world.

The gig lasted an hour, tops. But the same guys who pay thousands of dollars for a bottle of wine, who pay tens of thousands of dollars for a watch, they’re not going to hire some cheap-o catering company. And so all of us hardworking caterers get paid a five-hour minimum for every shift. It’s some of the easiest money I could ever hope to make for doing pretty close to no actual work at all. So I look at it from this perspective and I’m reminded that my existence is unimaginably more comfortable than the majority of humans who have ever lived and suffered and died on this planet. Am I any better than any of these rich people I’m deriding? We’re all chasing the same dollar, inching, orbiting as close as we can toward wealth, toward riches, toward happiness.

I’m not really getting at anything, not really. I’m just wondering, when you take a sip of thousand dollar wine, does any part of you really believe that it’s worth it? Because while I’m sure you poured it into a decanter and let it breathe for exactly the amount of time the sommelier instructed, and while you took a big whiff before you tilted that glass back, tried to imagine all of those vanilla and oak and other subtle, almost hidden aromas, I guarantee you that when that first drop hit your tongue, there had to have been a little part of you that was disappointed, that refused to stay silent, that piped up in the back of your head, that’s it? It’s good, but really? That’s it? But I just paid a thousand dollars. It’s just a glass of wine. It’s just a watch. You’re just some dude with way too much money to even begin to know what to do with any of it.

I’ve had just about enough of these unfounded claims and unwarranted accusations

If everyone would just stop staring at me for a second, I’m sure I’ll be able to explain. Those rumors you’ve been hearing about me are, well, they’re just that, rumors. And think about it, who would want to spread rumors about me? It doesn’t make any sense, right? But it totally makes sense. It was Andre. That asshole’s had it out for me for months. Ever since that picnic. You don’t know Andre? Good, forget I mentioned it. And don’t ask anybody about him. And don’t look him up on facebook. Trust me, he’s a huge loser and everything he’s been saying about me is a total lie. It stems mostly, I think, from a deep-seated jealousy, or a hatred, but that’s beside the point.

Those drugs? What can I say, except that they weren’t mine? I don’t really do drugs. I mean, that doesn’t count, I mean, I don’t really consider that a drug. But someone’s obviously trying to set me up. And I can only think of one person. But I’m not in the business of naming names, pointing fingers. I’m not going to stoop down to anyone else’s level. Nobody ever stoops down to my level, so why should I return the favor? Why are you looking at your cell phone? Is it Andre?

No, I’m just joking. I don’t even know any Andre. Just forget he exists. And I don’t even know what you’re talking about, drugs. I’ve never seen any drugs. Somebody must have made all of that stuff up. Why would I bring it up? I don’t know, I thought you were going to bring it up. Sorry, I’ve had a lot on my mind lately. A lot of nonsense. I heard this rumor that someone’s spreading some gossip about money and some drugs and, you know who’s really into drugs, right? Andre. You’re sure you’ve never met him, right? Good. Trust me, you’re going to want to keep it that way. He’ll ask you for five dollars, no big deal right? And he’ll wait you out like a month, two months, and then he’ll pay you back. And then like a week later he’s asking you for twenty, then fifty, then twenty again. And he’ll pay those back too, eventually. But then there’s a call in the middle of the night, and it’s Andre, and he needs five hundred dollars, right now, he can’t explain, but it’s urgent, but he’ll pay you back seven fifty tomorrow, the very next day. And then he disappears for a while.

Well just forget everything I said then. But ask around, Andre’s bad news. But don’t ask around, don’t talk about him unless someone brings him up. And if it comes up, and you’re roped into a conversation about him, let whoever you’re talking to know that I had nothing to do with any of this nonsense. Don’t like put it in there like I asked you to say something, just drop it in naturally, gracefully. And if this person still insists on continuing to talk about Andre, ask if they’ve seen my eight hundred dollars anywhere. I can’t find it. I started asking around about my money and all of the sudden there’re these rumors about me and drugs and …

No I never joined a cult. Fucking Andre. I went to one party, one time. I thought it was going to be a social thing. Yeah, maybe it was a little culty, but I didn’t bring anybody. Well, I didn’t force that person to come with me. They just came. And it’s not my fault if they found the whole presentation really convincing. You’ve got to stop asking so many questions. Don’t you trust me? Aren’t we friends?

Listen, do you have five dollars? I just went to the deli to get a sandwich and I totally forgot my wallet. I know, I’m such a space cadet sometimes. Anyway, the guy told me I could have the sandwich and pay him back next time, because I’m always getting sandwiches at that deli, I’m a regular. More than a regular. Seriously, the sandwich guy invited me to his wife’s baby shower. I couldn’t go, but I sent a gift. But I feel really bad about the sandwich, like what if I go back to pay him later but there’s a different deli guy behind the counter? And even though the guy says he’ll pass along the five bucks, what if he never does? And what if I go back the next day to get another sandwich, and my sandwich guy thinks that I haven’t paid him back? Like I’m just ignoring it? And he’s not going to say anything, he’s just going to stuff it inside, a little deeper, trying to forget about it, to let bygones be bygones, but it’ll grow, and he won’t forget, and the next time I forget my wallet, he’s just going to be like, sorry man, no money, no sandwich. No exceptions. And he’ll point to a little sign that he printed out on his computer, it’ll say exactly that, “No money …” just like I just said.

Thanks a lot. I’ll pay you back tomorrow. No, I’ll pay you back tonight. I’ll pay you six dollars. Just take it, I insist. I’m good for it. I’m a good guy. You tell that to Andre if you see him. Well, if anybody mentions Andre to you, you tell whoever’s talking about him that I’m a good guy. Well then just forget I said anything. Yeah, just forget all of it.

The five Keys to Success

There are so many keys out there. But only five of them will lead you on a path to success. And there’s only one path. Look yourself in the mirror. Say to yourself, “I’m going to find all five of those keys! I’m going to find those keys and be successful! I’m going to get so rich from all of that success!” You have the key to finding those keys! But that key isn’t one of the five keys to success. That was more of an inner key that everyone has. You can think of it as six keys if that’s more helpful to you.

 

1. The first Key to Success – Time!

 

How are you supposed to be successful if you don’t have the time to do it? Even if you somehow find success, if you don’t have any time to enjoy it, well then as far as I’m concerned, you’re not really successful. Make some time for yourself. Show up to work an hour late and tell your boss that you got mugged. Do it again the second day. Tell your boss that you’re being stalked by the same mugger. Go file a police report to make it look convincing. But don’t do this unless you absolutely have to, unless your boss totally doesn’t believe you. Because what’s the point of having all of that extra time if you’re using most of it waiting on line at the police department? Seriously, cops are great at fighting crime, but have you ever seen them try to do paper work? You know they don’t want to be filling out forms. They want to be out on the street, battling evil, seeking out justice.

 

So many people complain of their boring jobs, of their dead end careers, of their ever-growing mountains of soul-crushing debt. Take it from me, the only way that you’re going to tap into your inner potential, and your inner success, is if you make the time to do it.

 

2. The second Key to Success – Money!

 

Success ain’t cheap folks. You’ve got to buy it! I know what your thinking, “Rob, if I had money and time I wouldn’t be reading about your five keys to success.” Well, you’ve got to spend money to make money. Money doesn’t grow on trees. A penny saved is a penny earned. If I had a nickel for every time. What do all these cliché phrases have in common? That’s right, money!

 

Listen, you don’t go to a restaurant and not get an appetizer. So think of this second key as your success appetizer. Just go get some money. Sell something in your house. Sell your TV. Go sell some blood. And then buy something successful. Go buy a new pair of expensive sneakers. And then sell those and buy a flat screen TV. You can keep this up indefinitely. You’ll scream success! Everyone who sees you won’t even see you anymore, they’ll just see the living embodiment of successful living!

 

3. The third Key to Success – Business Cards!

 

I’m sorry what was your name again? I’m sorry you don’t have a business card with your name on it? What are you some sort of a loser? Welcome to the twenty-first century! Success today is all about personal branding! You’ve got to market your personal brand! You’ve got to get out there! You’ve got to network! Networking! Business branding! Get those business cards. Print your name on them. Print a link to your twitter on them. Go on twitter and tweet something about your name. Link to a picture of your business cards. Now!

 

4. The fourth Key to Success – More Money!

 

You’re out of money already? Get some more! What kind of a success story do you think I’m talking about here? Do you think I’m referring to some sweeping general idea of success? Do you think I’m trying to redefine the words success in terms of personal fulfillment or inner peace? I’m not! I’m talking about getting rich! I’m talking about using your personal brand to maximize your success through networking and marketing and personal branding!

 

Call up your mom. Call up your brother. Tell them you need to borrow five grand. Tell them it’s an emergency and you don’t have time to explain. Tell them to stop asking so many questions and to just trust you. Tell them you’re fine and not to worry. And there you go! More money! Ask your boss for an advance on your salary and then quit! More money and more time! More success!

 

5. The fifth Key to Success – Write your own “How to Succeed” blog post!

 

Nobody’s going to believe that you’re a success if you don’t believe yourself that you’re a success first. Is there any better way to show the world how successful you are than by writing your own “Steps to Success” blog post? I don’t think so! Write it up! Talk about networking! Talk about that personal branding! Use some of those marketing skills! Just write up the list. It’s easy! You don’t even have to be paying attention. Just write a bunch of numbers and then write a bunch of sentences. You’d be surprised how quickly those sentences turn into paragraphs, and then turn into a whole blog post, and then turn into success!

 

Put a picture of yourself at the top. Put it on your web site. Make sure you’re wearing a jacket and tie. Go around to other successful people’s web sites! Market yourself! Write stuff in the comments section with your web site! Business! Show off your success! Start giving advice! Give advice to everyone! You’re as successful as you want to be! Get some more money! Go out there and network! Go out there and succeed!

 

6. The sixth (secret) Key to Success – Send me some money and I’ll mail you the first five keys!

 

Just send me some money. I don’t want to say how much. How much is success worth to you? Just not less than twenty. But I don’t want a bunch of twenty dollar bills showing up at my house. You’re never going to achieve success by just giving in the bare minimum. But if you only have twenty, I’ll take it. You send me your cash, and I’ll send you the five keys. They might just look like ordinary keys, but nail them to your wall and label them like I labeled the five keys above. And visualize it. And make it happen. And send me twenty more dollars and I’ll send you five more keys, doubling your success. And then eventually you might have enough keys that you can start your own success-key blog.

 

Just remember, you’ve got to succeed to be successful!

 

Rob G. is the founder, CEO, CFO, COO, and PCP of Five Keys to Success, Inc., Living Embodiment of Success LLP., and Successful Succeeders Succeeding Success, Ltd. For speaking engagements, send him twenty bucks, or just shout “SUCCESS!” out of your window really, really loud. He’ll be there in no time.