Tag Archives: Motorcycles

You call this a circus?

Tightrope walking doesn’t seem that hard. It’s just like a field sobriety test, but on a wire. And, you know, except for that wacko that walked across the Twin Towers in the seventies, there are almost always a few nets underneath to catch you in case you mess up and fall. No, I think tightrope walkers get a lot of unnecessary credit. Theatrics? You call that a performance? Come on, you’re holding a giant balance beam. Again, it’s like nets, balance beams, what else do you want, some sort of gyroscopic stabilizer? You’d have to get up pretty early to sell me any tickets to a tightrope walking show. And then you’d have to duck out of work even earlier, because as soon as I realized what I’d bought, I’d be right back on line looking for a full refund.

circus

And those guys that ride their motorcycles in those enclosed spheres? Please. That’s not a stunt. A stunt would be if the motorcycle was on fire, or if the motorcycles somehow didn’t have any wheels. But three guys on three motorcycles? One, that’s not exciting at all, and two, it’s so loud. Like, I’m watching probably one of the most boring shows on earth, and to top it all off, I’ve got to sit here with my hands covering my ears to show everybody else in attendance just how loud I think it is. Besides, isn’t space-time supposed to be curved anyway? So riding inside a ball should be pretty standard if you ask me.

The clown car? Really? That’s just not safe. How do you train all of those guys to fit in such a tiny vehicle? What if something goes wrong, like what if that car catches on fire before they’re all done with the act? Are you really going to feel good about yourself having watched them all struggle to get out of there, some of them horribly burned, most of them having perished, but not before clawing and elbowing all of their friends in a futile last-minute attempt to escape?

True, the elephants look pretty convincing. But you think about what kind of an elephant lets itself get captured for a circus, I’m thinking it’s got to be the shrimpiest elephants in the herd. No, when I go see a show, I want to see the best. I’m not spending money on easy pickings. It’s like when I buy steak, I don’t want some domesticated cow, no, I want the one the killed the matador with his dying breath.

You call this stuff snacks? I’ve had better popcorn at the movie theater. Way too much salt, not enough butter, you’d think a circus would figure out how to do popcorn, but no, it’s terrible, I want the cotton candy to be fresh, not something out of a plastic bag, and if the vendor guy can’t figure out a way to bring the cotton candy machine along with him, then he might as well switch to candy apples. And come on, is that Pepsi? I hate Pepsi. Who doesn’t sell Coke?

I’m just saying, if you’re going to swallow a whole sword, it kind of defeats the purpose to just pull it back out. Anybody could push a sword down a throat. I mean, I could totally do it. I’m not going to, no, but if I did, I’d make sure to finish it up and wait for it to come out naturally. Yeah, you show me someone who can do that, I’ll call the papers, that’d be a circus. But this clown, and the flame eater guy, one time I was camping and I toasted this marshmallow that caught fire, and I ate it, it was fine, the inside of my mouth was wet and nothing got burnt.

So, no thanks, I don’t want to go to the circus, that sounds really boring. Ask your mother, maybe she’ll take you, but she’s probably tired from watching you run around playing soccer all day. Oh big deal, you scored a goal. You really think it’s that difficult to get a ball past another ten year old? That kid was practically asleep. Who’s coaching you guys? Did any of you even break a sweat?

Hey everybody, I’m getting a motorcycle

I really think I’m going to get a motorcycle this summer. I’ve always imagined myself as the leader of a motorcycle gang. We’ll be called the Flaming Skull Heads. Either that or the Leather Jackets. Or the Biker Boys. No way, we won’t be boys, we’ll be men. The Motorcycle Men, that’s it. It’ll be equal opportunity, of course, applications available to both genders. I just won’t let any women in. I’ll claim that it’s just a coincidence that it’s all dudes. Every day I’m going get up and deck myself out in leather and chains. I’m going to grow a huge handlebar mustache. I’ll keep an even bigger chain to use as a weapon, because you don’t need to get a permit for a giant chain, and it’s technically not a weapon until I start using it like a weapon.

This gang is going to be huge, but I’m only going to let my most trusted biker friends in my inner circle. And even though I’ll have a great relationship with my boys, I’ll always be a little worried that one or more of them might get it in his head that he could do a better job leading the gang than I can. Obviously this won’t be true, but the unquenchable thirst for power is the same in everybody. I’ll have to keep my friends close, but I’ll have to keep them distant from each other. So I’ll be constantly telling one of them that everyone else is talking about him behind his back. I’ll make inner circles within the inner circle. And I’ll make an even inner inner circle where it’s just me, and it won’t even be a circle at that point, it’ll just be a single dot. I’ll be the inner dot. And I’ll do that and drive it home to every one of my boys, so they’ll only trust me and nobody else.

I’m going to learn so many motorcycle tricks. I’ll do all the classics: wheelies, screechies, no-hands, ghost-riding. But I’m also going to invent some of my own tricks. Like one of my new tricks is going to be me riding just a sidecar as it’s own standalone vehicle. It’ll look so crazy that people won’t believe it. I’m going to invent another trick where I’m riding the motorcycle but I’m sitting backwards instead of forwards. I’m also going to do that snowmobile trick where you start out on land, during the summer, and drive across a lake. But I’m going to do it on my motorcycle. I’m going to be the first person to ride a motorcycle up to Mount Everest. I’m going to send out April Fool’s Day postcards to all my boys of a photo where I’m carrying the motorcycle on my back, like it’s riding me.

When I buy my motorcycle, I’m sure the salesman is going to try and rope me into buying some sort of Triple-A protection plan. But I’m not going to fall for it. That stuff is always such a scam. Maybe it makes sense for cars, but if your motorcycle breaks down, you can just walk it home. One time I called up Triple-A when my car got stuck in a ditch somewhere. But I never did buy that Triple-A membership. So when the tow truck came and the guy asked to see my membership card, I just said, “What membership card? What are you talking about? Triple-A? I didn’t call any Triple-A.” but the guy already made the trip out here, so I asked if he could just do me a solid. He said fine, but only if I signed up for Triple-A right there, on the spot. So I said sure, but I instead of writing out my information, I wrote down all this information for a deli down the block from where I live. And where it said to fill out the credit card info, I just made up a bunch of random numbers. I had the tow truck bring the car and me to a different town, so the driver wouldn’t be able to track me down once he got back to the office and ran all of the fake info through his credit card machine. I thought I was in the clear, but after the tow-truck left, I realized that I had no way of getting back to my place in my town. I thought about calling Triple-A again, but I wasn’t going to make the same mistake twice in one night. I guess I didn’t really think it through. Also, I forgot about my license plates, because the tow truck guy must have written them down, because I keep getting bills in the mail from Triple-A.

That’s why I’m done with cars. On to motorcycles. I heard that motorcycle insurance is so cheap. If it’s that cheap, why should I even pay for it in the first place? I only like to buy expensive stuff. Anything that’s too inexpensive, I either refuse to buy, or I’ll make a counteroffer to the seller that’s much more expensive that the listing price. No way I’m spending money on motorcycle insurance. If I get into a motorcycle accident with a car, why should I have to pay anything anyway? Chances are, I’ll be the one sustaining the real damage. Plus, motorcycles have the right of way anyway. Everyone knows that.