That’s a nonstarter. Making me get up earlier than I want to? Sorry, that’s another nonstarter. Don’t like the way I dress? Telling me to wear something more appropriate for work? Asking me to stop taking so many breaks? One, two, three, every one of them a nonstarter. Of course I want health benefits. Of course I don’t want to pay a cent for them. Nonstarter. You guys give out bonuses? Big ones? A couple times a year? Cash? Nope? Yep, nonstarter.

I’d say dealbreaker, but we’re not even close to a deal that might get broken. We haven’t ever started. Hence the whole nonstarter. Let’s talk lunch breaks. How many are we talking about? One? I’m going to need a little more than one. Two? You’re asking me? Keep sweetening that pot. That’s a potsweetener by the way. We’re going in the right direction, so keep throwing out numbers, let’s go three, four. Yeah I’m hungry baby. Nope. Nope? Nope. Dealbrea … I mean, nonstarter.

I’m not wearing a tie. I’d wear two ties, but only if it were Halloween, and only if I were dressing up as future Marty McFly from Back to the Future Part II. But I haven’t even decided on my Halloween costume for next year, that’s still a ways off. Do you guys dress up for Halloween? Do you have a contest for best costume? Do you give away any prizes? Like a cash prize? Or a prize where you don’t have to come in to work for a few days? Or maybe an extra lunch break? No, thank you. No, I’ll be in touch. No, I decided to go with somebody who better meets my needs and qualifications.

Why do I have to ask them if they want their sandwich toasted every time? Won’t they just tell me to toast it if they want it toasted? Why are you trying to make so much extra work for me? And I seriously have to wear these gloves all the time? What if I have an itch on my face? Will you at least itch my nose if I ask you to? You know what you should change the name of this sandwich shop to? Nonstar … I already told you about that? Well, it was true then, it’s true now. I don’t care if this was only a trial period. Well it’s not a lunch break if I’m eating while I’m working. And what was I supposed to just throw it away? Well if you want this hat and apron back you’re going to have to do a lot more than just tell me to hand it over.

Look, it’s my body. Because I don’t like needles. Because I’d much rather if you just squirted it in my mouth. Well can’t I be the judge of whether it works or it doesn’t? You’re not even a real doctor. What the hell is a technician anyway? What is that like a fake nurse? There’s no way you’re sticking that needle in my arm. It’s a nons … get your hands off of me! Ow! Hey! I told you not to stick that it my arm! Who the hell do you think you are! Who are you? Don’t touch me! No you stay out of Rite-Aid!

Well I’d like a little bit more unemployment. Because I didn’t stand here on line all day for this. What am I supposed to do with this … this pittance? I didn’t push you. I didn’t. You pushed me. Come on, those cameras are fake, you’re not pulling any of that garbage with me. So what … what are you saying you can’t doctor the footage? Big government agency pushing me around? Just give me some money. No, you calm down. That’s a n … ow! What the hell, did you just stick me with a needle? No, I don’t need to calm down! No, this will help you relax! No, you stop struggling! No, you’ve gone ahead and soiled yourself. No, maybe the dosage was too weak. No, I should be swallowing my own tongue. I’ll do the opposite! Don’t tell me what to do! That’s a nonsta …