Interplanetary travel would be so cool. But the ship would have to be really big, big enough that I’d forget that I’m on a spaceship. And it would have to be very comfortable. And I’d want the option to turn on some sort of artificial gravity, because I hate the idea that astronauts lose all of their bone density and muscle mass while floating weightlessly in zero g. It’s like, you finally get to the other planet, but you can’t enjoy it because you’re too weak. And there might be a threat to deal with. Aliens. Space volcanoes. And what are you going to do, ask them not to chase you so fast because your body is still recovering from all of that interplanetary travel? Also, why do they call US space explorers astronauts while the Russians are cosmonauts? It doesn’t really make any sense. It’s the same job, right?

There was some article in the newspaper about space tourism, about how it’s right around the corner, for the super rich anyway. For a ridiculous amount of money you can get in some tiny vehicle and enter the earth’s orbit. Maybe it’s just me, but that doesn’t sound like any fun at all, even if I had the money. Why would you want to be one of the first space tourists? I would want to be like the two thousandth. Everybody else can go first and make sure everything is safe. I can’t imagine what it was like to be one of the first passengers on a commercial airline. There’s no way I would have done that. There were so many more crashes than there are today. Plus, these current space vehicles seem pretty rudimentary, especially compared to what I’m used to when thinking about space travel. Sure that stuff’s all science fiction, but it has to be where we’re headed. Look at the cell phone. Star Trek called that in the 1960s.

But here’s another thing. I’ve heard stuff about orbital hotels. About trips where you could spend a week on the space station. Why would you want to spend a whole week on the space station? Hasn’t anybody seen any pictures of the inside of that thing? It looks really uncomfortable, more claustrophobic even than the Alien movies. And then you get there, and you’re supposed to be on vacation, right? When I’m on vacation, I like to eat really nice meals. In space I think you’re only allowed to eat freeze dried supplements. And who’s serving you these meals, the astronauts? Don’t you think they have more important things to do than serving you snacks? And then entertainment. Are you supposed to just watch the scientists do their analysis and experiments? That would be cool for maybe five seconds, and only if some really entertaining personality like Bill Nye or Neil DeGrasse Tyson were explaining everything to me in a way that wouldn’t be super boring. And who’s going to pay for their tickets? You guessed it, me. I doubt they let you drink, another vacation staple. And then there’s the whole issue of taking a shower or even just going to the bathroom. I’m sorry, but that’s got to be gross without gravity.

No, the kind of interplanetary space adventure I’m interested in is something a lot more comfortable. I want to be able to walk down giant space halls and look out of giant space windows and see sweeping space views of the galaxy. I want food replicators to instantly materialize any type of food or drink that I wish. I want to be wearing really cool futuristic outfits, like silvery metallic suits that are padded on the inside with layers of cashmere.

And when I get to whatever planet I’m travelling to, I don’t want to be a pioneer, I want a thriving space colony to already have been established. And I’ll get there and the sky will be purple instead of blue and the grass will be, well, I guess the grass could still be green, but maybe it will be like a deep forest green instead of just a regular green. And the gravity will be a lot less so I’ll be able to jump really long distances and slam dunk and do all of these crazy gymnastics that I’d never be able to do on Earth. That’s a vacation I’d book. All these current space vacations seem like a huge rip-off.