- Don’t mess around with his web-shooters
Seriously, they’re not toys, OK, he needs them for fighting crime. Besides, that webbing could potentially be kind of dangerous. What if you press the button and it covers your nose and mouth? It takes like at least an hour for that stuff to dissolve. You’d suffocate. Spider-Man cares about you a lot, he doesn’t want to see you suffocate. All I’m saying is, you get really mad when Spider-Man goes through your purse to look for those mints you always carry around. Respect his personal boundaries accordingly.
- You won’t know who he’s hanging out with at work
Spider-Man spends a lot of his time with other adults dressed up in various superhero costumes. While of course he would love to introduce you to his crime-fighting coworkers, there’s the whole secret identity thing that you have to keep in mind. That’s just the nature of his business. If people figured out who you were, they might be able to trace the link back to him. The next thing you know, Mysterio shows up at your house to kidnap you and draw Spider-Man into a trap. Do you want that kind of guilt hanging over your head? Besides, isn’t it kind of cool, the secret nature or your relationship? It’s like a hidden treasure, something only the two of you get to share.
- It’s not that he didn’t like the surprise birthday party you threw for him
It’s just that, with his built in spider-sense, it’s really hard to pull a fast one on Spider-Man. Even if it’s the most well-intentioned secret, as soon you start getting past the idea stage into the actual execution, his alarm bells immediately start ringing. And yeah, he tried to act surprised, but everybody knows that Spider-Man is a terrible actor.
- If he’s being a dick, maybe it’s the alien costume
All you’re trying to do is make plans to do something special on Saturday night, and he’s all not paying attention or putting in any effort to show that he even wants to spend time with you. Even regular boyfriends get in weird moods sometimes. But has Spider-Man been acting even more difficult and aggressive than usual? Maybe it’s the alien costume. It’s kind of a long story, but a while back, Spider-Man was sent to an alien world with a bunch of other superheroes to battle a collection of the earth’s nastiest bad guys. While snooping out some high-tech lab, he found an alien costume that shifted its appearance just based on his thoughts. But it turned out to be an evil alien parasite, slowly filling Spider-Man’s mind with hate and violence. The next time Spider-Man gets his spandex in a twist, maybe suggest changing into something more comfortable? If he gets really defensive, it’s probably the alien costume.
- Or it could be the clones
This is kind of like the alien costume problem, but without as much overt Spider-Man being a dick. It’s like, you make plans with Spider-Man early in the day, and then when you see him later in the afternoon, he’s like, “Plans? What plans?” Don’t jump to conclusions. There’s a pretty good chance that there might be a bunch of Spider-clones running around, and the Spider-Man who you talked with in the morning might be a different Spider-Man from later in the day.
- Try not to get upset if he doesn’t return your calls right away
Spider-Man disappears all the time. The X-Men need help in Antarctica and there’s no time to explain. The Green Goblin blasts him with a shrink-pumpkin and he has to figure out a way to return to normal size. Remember what I was talking about with alien costume? He was on that other planet for weeks. His girlfriend at the time simply couldn’t understand, and she dumped him. If you’re dating Spider-Man, you’ve got to get used to long stretches of time where he doesn’t return any of your calls or texts. But try not to get too worried. He usually makes it back home in good shape.
- Stay away from the Brooklyn Bridge
He does his best to protect the ones he loves the most, but every once in a while, even Spider-Man falls short. Years ago he was dating this girl Gwen and, well, she fell off the Brooklyn Bridge. It was kind of the Green Goblin’s fault. Still. Just stay away from bridges.
- Avoid keywords that might trigger a long boring speech
Power. Great. Responsibility. Uncle Ben. Nobody likes tiptoeing around their words, but unless you really like listening to that, “Great power, great responsibility” speech, do yourself a favor and don’t mention any of these triggers. In fact, if you feel like a conversation might be steering in this direction, try changing the subjects. Worst case, mention that you thought you heard someone screaming down the block. Because it’s a really boring speech, and he won’t shut up about it.
- Don’t offer to do his laundry
You might think you’re being helpful, getting that gross smell out of his Spider-Man costume. But it’s impossible. Do you know where he goes in that thing? Sometimes in the sewer. Other times he’s fighting bad guys at the dump. It’s a nasty job, and if you mix any of your clothes in the same load as that costume, all you’re going to do is make your stuff smell like garbage too. And do you think Spider-Man wants to date somebody that smells like that? Come on, he gets enough of that at work. Just do your own laundry, and Spider-Man will do his.
- Don’t expect a happy ending
Just try to enjoy the ride, because it’s not going to end well. Even if you somehow manage to not get thrown off the Brooklyn Bridge, even if things wind up going incredibly well, like you get married, maybe you’ll be expecting a child, it’s only a matter of time before it all blows up in your face. Doctor Octopus is going to steal the baby, and then it’s going to turn out that you weren’t really pregnant in the first place. At least you’ve got that marriage to fall back on, right? Wrong. Something might happen to Aunt May and Spider-Man might be forced to wish away your years of marital bliss in a deal with the devil in return for the safety of his elderly aunt. I’m just saying, the universe doesn’t want Spider-Man to be happy, and the closer you are to Spider-Man, the higher the chances that you’re going to be a part of that misery. Get out while you can. Why not try talking to the Hulk? Or Batman? Batman’s rich. Really rich. You should call up Batman.
Originally published on Thought Catalog