I just hate it when people cut me off in traffic. That’s so stupid. They’re so stupid. I’m trying to drive too. And now they’re in front of me. Stupid idiots. And then they start driving really slow. That’s stupid also. Like get out of my way, man, so stupid.

You know what’s really stupid? Hopscotch. Hopscotch is so stupid. Oh wow look at me, I’m a little kid, drawing some stupid boxes with chalk. Oh and I don’t even know how to make all the boxes the same size, because I’m such an idiot. And then I’m going to take turns with my idiot friends and we’re going to throw a bunch of stupid rocks over and over again. And we’re all going to look so stupid, just hopping around. Hop, I get it. Everyone’s hopping. But scotch? It doesn’t have anything to do with scotch. What a stupid name, hopscotch.

I would always try and run up to those idiot little kids and push them over while they hopping around, pushing them right out of those stupid little boxes. Or I would just stand right in the middle of the hopscotch board. “Go ahead and try something,” I’d say, “you stupid idiots.” And some of those idiot kids would start crying and screaming, running away to go tell the teacher on me. But my teachers were all such idiots, such morons. I’d just throw my hands in the air and say stuff like, “What? Come on! I didn’t! No! That’s not true!” and the teacher was so stupid, eventually she’d just be like, “OK now, enough! All of you!” Ha! All of us. Including those idiot babies playing stupid hopscotch.

The other day I went to go get a sandwich at the deli. I told that stupid deli guy, “No lettuce or tomato! I hate lettuce and tomato! OK? Got it?” Do you know what that stupid moron deli guy did? That idiot, you know what he put on my sandwich? Lettuce and tomato. That idiot! I said, “No lettuce or tomato!” and what does he put on my sandwich? Both of them. That stupid moron idiot stupid deli guy. What kind of an idiot puts lettuce and tomato on a sandwich when I clearly said, “Hey! You! I want a sandwich, but I don’t want any lettuce or tomato! Hello? Hello? No lettuce or tomato! Do you understand me? Does this guy understand me? No! Lettuce! Or! Tomato!” I don’t know why that stupid deli has to go and hire the stupidest idiots to work at their deli section. Jesus Christ, it’s a sandwich, and I told him over and over again not to put any lettuce or tomato on it. That moron. What an idiot.

You know what else I just can’t stand? These idiot people around my neighborhood that keep walking their stupid dogs in front of my house. Keep your flea infested mutt away from my house. Walk on the other side, you idiot. I always just stay by my front door and I say as loud as I can whenever a dog walker walks his smelly dog in front of my house, stuff like, “Stupid dogs! I hate dogs! Get that flea ridden mutt away from my property! You goddamn nuisances!”

Or these stupid leaves. Every fall that stupid tree in front of my house starts losing its stupid leaves. What an idiot tree. I’m telling you, what kind of a tree keeps losing its leaves every single year? Come on! And one by one, right in front of my house. So I have to go out there with some stupid rake and I have to start raking these stupid leaves, and then when I’m done, that idiot tree is at it again, shaking in the wind, dropping leaves everywhere.

That reminds me. Did I tell you about that idiot sandwich guy yet? Please don’t even get me started. If you went to a deli and ordered a sandwich, and you told that idiot deli guy over and over and over and over again, “Hey buddy! Did you put any lettuce or tomato on that sandwich? Hello? What is that? Is that lettuce? What about that over there, is that lettuce? Lift that up. Lift it up so I can see if there’s any lettuce or tomato under there,” what would you expect to find when you opened up that sandwich? I bet you it wouldn’t be lettuce or tomato. And what if you saw lettuce and tomato, not just one, but both, both lettuce and tomato? Wouldn’t you feel like an idiot? Wouldn’t you feel like that no good idiot goddamn stupid goddamn deli guy was just so stupid, the stupidest deli guy in the word, can’t even figure out how to not put lettuce and tomato on a goddamn sandwich? I’m telling you, this guy, I almost feel bad for him, for how stupid he is. I should have just made my own sandwich. Goddamn lettuce and goddamn stupid tomato.