Did you guys know that I correctly predicted that Barack Obama would win the 2008 presidential election? Sure, you might be saying to yourself that it’s not a big deal. Some might even say it was pretty obvious. But I correctly predicted the results in 1998, when I was still in the eighth grade, when Barack Obama was just recently elected to the Illinois State Senate. Looking back on how things unfolded, correctly, exactly how I said they would, I really should have made more of an effort to publicize my premonition. But I didn’t.

I can tell you’re all a little skeptical. Here, I can prove it. I wrote the following in one of my notebooks, in 1998, over thirteen years ago, word for word:

“This is really weird. I just had a dream where it was 2008 and this guy named Barack Obama won the presidency. He beat Senator John McCain. I wonder if my dream was real. Will this really happen? Should I tell somebody? Call a newspaper reporter? Nah, I think I’m just going to sit here and listen to my new Korn CD. These guys are great. Maybe I’ll call up Spin Magazine and predict that Korn is going to be the number one band of my generation.”

You see? I told you so. I can kind of understand your inclination to doubt me. And in case you think I just made up that quote, well then why would I have included the lame-ass Korn reference? That’s because that excerpt is real, embarrassingly dated band reference and all. I await your apologies.

Did you guys know that last night at work, I was standing around bullshitting with some of my coworkers, when one of them took four quarters out of his pocket? He held out his arm and bent his elbow up, so his hand was by his ear. He took the four quarters and stacked them on top of his forearm. He then swung his whole arm down in one motion. I flinched, just waiting for one of the quarters to go flying in my face, but after a minute, I opened my eyes and he was just standing there smiling. He had caught all of the quarters. It was amazing and everyone was patting him on the back and telling him how cool of trick that was.

So I got an even better idea. I took all of the cash out my pocket and had them changed into quarters. I gathered everyone around and stacked the coins up on my arm, just like he did. I didn’t even count how much money it was, but the stack had to be like at least three feet high. And that’s a pretty impressive story right there, just the fact that I was able to balance all of those quarters. But it gets better.

I said, “OK boys, everybody ready?” and everyone said to me, “Rob, hold up a second. We’ve all got a bad feeling about this. Just think about what your doing. This is impossible!” and I just shouted, “Now!” and I swung my arm down, just like that other guy. And when I told you that I had flinched the first time, that was nothing compared to how everybody reacted here. One guy curled up into the fetal position on the floor. Talk about overreacting.

Anyway, after a minute, everybody started opening their eyes. One guy crawled out from behind a counter. And I was just standing there, but the quarters were gone. Not only had I caught all of them, but I had somehow cashed them back in for dollar bills. I was just standing there with the bills all spread out in my hand, and I was fanning my face with them, like it was no big deal. Someone started a slow clap, just like on TV, and pretty soon the whole place was just drowned out in applause.

I’m serious! I swear! Look, here’s a text message one of my coworkers sent to me later that night, proving that it happened.

“Holy shit Rob! That trick you did with the quarters … that was unbelievable! I told all of my friends and family members but nobody believes me! Can you come over my house and show my mom? Please? Please? I’ll do anything! Also, thanks for letting me borrow your Preparation H. I can’t believe I forgot mine at home. I owe you one man!”

You see? That just proves it. Because, why would I include such an embarrassing anecdote about hemorrhoid cream if not just to prove to you how true the first part was. I’m serious! Just ask anybody that I work with! I’m not lying!