I love Mountain Dew. It’s one of my favorite drinks. But it’s nothing compared to Surge. I remember when I was in the fourth or fifth grade, we didn’t have any Internet, so I have no idea how any of us heard about anything in advance, but we all knew that Surge was coming. For a while, the looming arrival of Surge was all that anybody ever talked about. It wasn’t a matter of if, but when.

And I remember my family was upstate one summer on vacation. There was a soda machine. It had Surge. And this was a first sighting. Surge wouldn’t make it downstate for another month or so. The only problem was, I was a little kid, I didn’t have any money, and so I had to beg my parents for a dollar so that I could try Surge.

I knew that I had to play it cool, that if I betrayed just how excited I was, then all of my little brothers and sisters would get involved, and when my mom would ask what I needed the dollar for, she’d probably give it to me, but only on the condition that I share it with everybody. And I don’t know if any older siblings can relate, but sharing with your little brothers and sisters is the worst. Especially the really little ones who don’t know how to drink out of a twenty ounce bottle yet, it’s like one hundred percent backwash, so that sucks.

I somehow got the dollar, and I remember that first sip of Surge. It was delicious. That soda was one of the defining moments of my life. For a solid five years or so, I only have memories that revolve around me drinking Surge. Everything else has just kind of faded away into the not-so-interesting background of things not worth remembering.

And ever since Surge was discontinued, I’ve been in a funk. I try to tell people what’s wrong with my life, why I’m always so low, and they always try convincing me to chalk it up to the struggles of growing up and not having a purpose or some other nonsense. But while everyone has a void inside that they have to deal with, you know, that quiet desperation that Thoreau was talking about, I knew what mine was about. It was about Surge. I’m sure if Thoreau had Surge, he wouldn’t have been such a mope.

But now it’s coming back. The Internet brought Surge back. I just ordered mine on Amazon. I can’t wait to drink it. I’m going to feel alive again, finally. I really don’t have too much more to say. They’re saying that my delivery is going to be a couple of weeks due to high demand, but I’ve waited all of these years, so I guess a little more time won’t kill me. And by the way, all of that bullshit about yellow number five lowering your sperm count was a bunch of baloney.

I hope nobody is too attached to Mountain Dew, because once Surge surges back to grocery stores, I don’t see any market for Dew. Well, I guess Baja Blast is pretty delicious, so that can stay. But aside from the occasional trip to Taco Bell, it’s going to be all Surge from here on out.

#YesAllSurge