Tag Archives: First Post

My 365th Post!

Tomorrow marks the one-year anniversary of Strictly Autobiographical. Last May, I dazzled readers across the globe with my award winning first post, My First Post! Even back then on day one, I knew that it was going to be the start of something big, something tremendous. And so as soon as I finished writing that first post, I immediately started writing this, the 365th post. I got a little confused, like, I started on May 21st, so shouldn’t I be celebrating tomorrow? But that would be the 366th post. I’m confused. Did we have a leap year this year? Whatever, I’ll celebrate again tomorrow. Here’s what I wrote:

Hello everybody! Thanks for reading. I can only imagine that by this time next year my life will have changed so dramatically that anybody I currently deal with on a day-to-day basis, you’ll all be forgotten, out of sight, out of mind. Whatever I found in common with you back then I’ll struggle to think about now, to make any connection as to how I could have ever even been talking down to your level. But don’t take it personally. Just because I’m not speaking with any of you anymore doesn’t mean you can’t still keep up with me, with my writing, with this blog.

I figure that the runaway success of my writing will have changed me initially, I’ll quit my job, burn all of my bridges, and embark on some sort of a massive writing tour, but after a couple of weeks I’ll get my wits about me, I’ll hunker down, and I’ll write even more, propelling myself to as of yet unreached writerly achievements.

What was it like to know me before I single-handedly beat the Internet? Were you a witness to my ascent to superstardom? Are you jealous of everything that I’ve accomplished? Did you ask me for money? Did I say no? Listen, I’ve thought about this, but just because I’m definitely going to be making ungodly amounts of cash, it doesn’t mean I’ll just be able to hand out donations to all of my former friends and family members. Sorry, it’s just that, you know once my writing really takes off, what are we going to have left in common? No, I’ll be on the lookout for new friends and family members, intellectual equals, people who truly get what I’m writing about, not just mindlessly consuming it with neither the intelligence nor the sense of humor to actually grasp what it is that I’m doing.

Future generations!

OK, I’m going to stop it right there. Maybe I got a little carried away on day one. It goes on like that for another two or three thousand words, but it’s all getting at the same stuff, your typical delusions of grandeur.

But now that I’m somewhat grounded back to reality, I’ve got to say, I’m having a lot of fun putting this nonsense on the Internet. It gives me something to do every day. Through the daily practice of writing, I’ve found my mind is almost constantly trying to find subject matter, looking for tiny bits of humor or observation in the most mundane of activities. And through this process, I’ve noticed myself becoming more aware of my life, of the world. Even if nothing comes of this little project, it’s definitely been personally rewarding.

And it’s also like, a year ago, I was definitely more self-conscious about what I’d post. I would scrutinize all of my ideas, being way too critical of myself and my writing. But now I’m almost totally desensitized. I’ll just write about whatever and it feels natural. So in a way I’ve gotten past something, some sort of unwillingness to put myself out there.

That’s it. I know it’s really cheesy, but I thought I’d give myself a little pat on the back here after making it through an entire year without having missed a single day. So that’s what this is, a nice victory lap.

I originally started this blog as a hundred year project, and I’m assuming that science and technology will progress to the point where I won’t have to worry about surviving through to its completion. Part one is behind me. I’m one percent there. Year thirty-seven is going to be pretty lame, but it’s going to pick up steam around years forty or forty-one.

And mom, thanks for reading.

My First Post!

First and foremost, thanks for reading. I’m hoping through this blog to share stories from my life exactly as they happen in real time. I’m looking here to write a transparent, unfiltered, truthful account of my life. I want future generations to be able to look back upon these writings and know exactly what kind of a person that I was, to be able to understand precisely how I lived my life. I’d like for my great-great-great-great grandchildren to study them carefully, religiously, and to share my wisdom with everyone they meet. If somewhere down the line, my family breaks up into two rival camps, each claiming that they hold the true message of what it is I’m trying to say here, I’d like to settle that argument right now: the traditionalists are right, and the reformers have gotten it all wrong. Stay on point descendants! I’m leaving absolutely nothing up for interpretation. Just as the title implies, everything that is written here is one hundred percent true. Totally accurate. If you read it and say to yourself, “he must be trying to say something broader through his words,” you’re wrong.

I hope that you enjoy reading what you find here. I also hope that you’ll pick a few of your favorite posts each week and commit them to memory. If it’s not too much to ask, I’d like for you to, every Friday night, call up a random number on your phone without looking it up, just literally seven random numbers, and just start reciting what you’ve memorized. If nobody answers, leave a message. If you’ve accidentally dialed a fax machine, and you’re hearing that screeching in your ear, I urge you not to hang up. That’s just the universe’s way of telling you that you’ve probably messed up the memorization, and that this is your punishment. Stay on the line and do the best you can. I’m sure something will print out on the other end.

But that’s a very hypothetical situation anyway, because there really aren’t too many fax machines still plugged in to independent lines. If anything, someone might hook one up for just a second to receive a very specific fax, before unplugging it and telling their secretary to go put it back. “What do you mean, put it back?” they’ll ask their boss, “I don’t even know where you found this thing in the first place. Can’t you just put it back? It’s all dusty and gross.” Bosses usually hire low-level employees to avoid exactly this type of grunt work, but low-level hires are usually the types that are constantly complaining about having to do their terrible jobs. Well that’s what I used to do when I worked in an office job, which is probably why I currently work in a restaurant. So when someone’s raising their hand across the room asking for more ketchup I can just tell a busboy to go do it.

If you’re currently reading this from China, I’d like to extend my sincere thanks to the Communist Party for permitting me to be read on the Chinese Internet. I can only assume by your not blocking my access to the Chinese people that you don’t consider me a threat to the stability of your regime. Big mistake you ignorant fools.

If you’re reading this from Libya, listen, I’m really sorry for all the late night phone calls, but I keep having these weird dreams where Qaddafi is contacting me from the beyond, ordering me to keep his message alive. I know it’s crazy, but his threats seem as real to me in my dreams as they must have felt to all of you in real life.

If you’re reading this from Canada, welcome to the Internet! It’s basically just a network of computers hooked up through servers sharing lots and lots of information.

If you’re reading this in the future, please reread this post a few more times. I’m sure English has changed dramatically, and only through vigorous study will you really get at the point of what I’m trying to say.

If you’re reading this from the past, please call me up and warn me not to drink that bottle of Clamato on March 13, 2012. Thanks.