Hey neighbor

Sorry I let all of those Jehovah’s Witnesses into the building. I’ve never seen them around here before. I just assumed one of the neighbors was throwing a party. Everybody was so well dressed. And smiling, and friendly. Who would turn them away? Whatever, they left eventually, right? No? Well, there are lot of them, had to be like fifteen people. They’ll get hungry eventually. Just don’t give them any food.

Yeah, I’m sorry I left the shower running. I was doing that whole steam iron trick. You ever hear of it? No, it didn’t really work. I mean, it was little less wrinkly, but definitely not what I would call pressed, ironed. And I didn’t even get to wear the shirt, if it’s any consolation, it was too damp, and too cold outside. No, I don’t see how that would be much consolation at all. Did the water do much damage? Yes? Well, that’s what we have security deposits for, right? Haha. I’m just joking, trying to lighten things up here. But seriously, can we maybe leave me out of this when you talk to the super? Just tell him the pipe’s broken or something.

What banging around? What time? Ten? Oh, my workout videos. You can hear that? Is it really loud? Geez, I’m sorry. Maybe I should get a carpet or something. You could always come upstairs and we could do the workout videos together. No? Well, open invitation. I sweat a lot though. It’s really weird. It’s like I’ll pop the DVD in and I’m already breaking out in a light sweat, just anticipating the moving around. You ever hear of plyometric training?

I thought I gave you your drill back months ago. I didn’t? Are you positive? I remember going to Ikea. Yeah, I borrowed the drill but I don’t even think I used it, because they just give you those little wrenches with the furniture. Did I give it back? Well it’s not here. I could look. I actually haven’t looked yet. I will look. Look, I’ll look for it. It’s got to be around here somewhere. What was it, a drill, right? What color?

OK, bad news, no drill. What about next door, did you ask them? Well, it’s just that they’re always asking me to borrow stuff and, I don’t know, maybe I gave them your drill. Yeah, they did move out a couple of months ago. Geez, that’s embarrassing. Can I just buy you a new one? Three hundred dollars for a drill? OK, well, I have a couple of ideas here. Either I can give you a lump sum, right now, cash, but it’s going to be significantly less than three hundred dollars. Or, I can pay you five dollars now, and any time you need five dollars, just let me know, door’s always open, and, you know, I’m sure everything will even out over time. It’s like buying drinks, right? I’ll get this round, you get the next round. Lump sum?

Look, if you need anything drilled, and I know this isn’t the ideal situation, not until we get you a new one, but I’m actually really good at drilling things without a drill. I can just press really hard against the wall with a screw and a screwdriver, and I can slowly drill it in there. I’m like a human drill. But, again, much slower. Do you have a hammer? Well, I just realized that I wanted to hang up some pictures, but I can’t find my drill anywhere. Do you have any nails?

What if I do the workout videos earlier? What if I take off my boots?

Oh yeah, and sorry about the fire escape. What fire escape? I mean, yeah, what fire escape? I didn’t say anything about the fire escape. What? No you don’t have to check it out. Yeah, why would anybody be out on the fire escape? Forget I said anything.

Honestly, there’s nothing I can do about the phone alarm. It’s the only thing that wakes me up. And yeah, I need like three of them, because I always just shut them off after like twenty minutes, so I need them staggered. Just, you should be up by then, so I don’t see the big deal. But that’s kind of a non-negotiable. Everybody’s got to get up in the morning.

Well, look, it’s easy, just take their literature, tell them you’re really interested but that you’ve got to go, and then tell them to go downstairs, that the tenant right below is leading a really sinful lifestyle. Then lock the door and don’t answer anymore. That got rid of them for me. It’s almost three. They’ve got to eat dinner eventually. In the meantime, you want to do some work out videos? This one’s all about isotropic stretching. Oh duh, your drill’s right there. I just … I’m sure the drill bits are around somewhere. Maybe I gave those to the guy next door. Bet you wish you took that lump sum while you had the chance, right?