The magical properties of crystals are real

I was never one of those people who believed in crystals, in minerals and rocks. I mean, I believe that they exist, but, you know what I’m talking about? How some people really believe that certain rocks have like special properties? Yeah, I always used to think that that stuff was pretty wacko. I used to. Now I actually believe in all of it, because it’s all true. I’ve had some real experiences, some really real experiences, and it’s all totally real.


Like one day I was out taking my dog for a walk in the park. And I came upon this rock, I mean, yeah, rock, crystal, I’m actually not too sure of the exact terminology, mineralology. But it was shiny. On one side it was shiny. But I couldn’t see the shiny side, not yet. The shiny side was down, and on the face-up side it just looked like a regular rock.

What am I doing, just randomly turning over rocks in the park? No, this one had a ten dollar bill sticking out from underneath. I thought, jackpot. Or not jackpot, but, you know, bonus. Definitely bonus. I went to reach for it and, I don’t know why I didn’t just pull the bill out from underneath, because I didn’t, maybe I didn’t want to get my hands dirty, I don’t know. I decided to kick the rock off of the bill and then pick up the money.

And when I kicked it, it flipped over, and that’s when I realized that it wasn’t a rock, or, whatever, again, not too sure on the specifics of what you’re supposed to call it, but it was really shiny on the other side, like a crystal, like a magic crystal. I immediately thought of all of those crazy minor celebrities that you see on TV all decked out in rocks, and they’re always like really wide-eyed and saying stuff like, “No seriously! This stuff is seriously, seriously magic! Not magic, but spiritual! Like powerful!” and you just think, wow, that person is nuts.

But I was picking up this ten dollar bill and I caught myself just staring at this crystal lying now face up like two feet away from me. And my dog was staring at the crystal also, and my dog never stares at anything, because he’s so stupid. Or, that’s actually kind of harsh, he’s not stupid. Well, by human standards maybe he’s stupid, but that could be intelligent for dogs, I don’t know. You know how they’re always just like digging and sniffing and stuff? Not this time. This time he was just staring at the magic crystal.

And I never like jumping to conclusions, but this time it was like my mind was operating on a different frequency, and so jump to conclusions I did, and the conclusion that I jumped to was: this is a definitely a magical crystal. I had to stop myself from staring, because I started to worry that somebody else would see it and that they’d maybe make a move for it or try to fight me for it or something. I’d have fought me for it.

So I picked it up and the magic started coursing through my veins. I looked down at the ten dollar bill and it wasn’t a ten dollar bill at all. It was a twenty. Did that really just happen? I couldn’t be sure. Did the crystal change it to a twenty? Or did I just kind of shove the ten in my pocket, and then maybe when I took it out again, because I don’t really have a wallet, because I’m just always shoving money in my pockets, loose, maybe I accidentally grabbed a twenty? I don’t think that’s what happened.

I ran home and decided to turn it into a magical crystal necklace, so the power source could be close, to me, to my heart, so maybe I’d be like projecting magical energy out into the universe, and then back into me, like a conduit, like a spiritual, magical magnet. But I walked in my house and realized that I didn’t know the first thing about making jewelry out of rocks. I didn’t even know where I could find a pair of scissors. Like, I must have had scissors somewhere, maybe, like in a desk drawer or in the back of a closet. But I can’t remember the last time I needed scissors. Usually I’ll just rip whatever I need to cut, a piece of paper, some cardboard, or if it’s too hard, like a piece of plastic used to keep the price tag on a new pair of pants, I’ll just get a kitchen knife and slice it. Or, one time I used nail clippers, and that worked, like it cut the plastic, but it ruined the clippers, there was this groove in the blade, and every time I cut my nails it made a little bump. I had to throw them away.

That’s beside the point. I forgot about the scissors because my mind started to wander. How am I going to attach this crystal to a necklace? I found some shoelaces. Well, I didn’t find them, I used an old pair of shoes and took the laces off. Should I wrap it around the crystal? I tried that but it looked terrible, it covered part of the crystal, and there wasn’t any string left over to wrap around my neck.

I took out my drill. I actually have a pretty nice drill. I never get to use it because, I don’t know why, I just never need it, but I was pretty glad that I had it right now. I figured I’d make a tiny hole through the top, just so I could string the shoelace through. But as soon as I started to drill, a huge chunk broke off the crystal.

And I was like, shit, did I break it? Obviously I broke it, physically, but did I break the magic? Were the special properties still intact? I looked in my pocket but all I could find were a bunch of five dollar bills. No twenties. Not even any tens. I must have pissed it off. I tried gluing it back together but no dice.

So now it’s just like, I feel unluckier than ever, like even further removed from the natural spiritual powers of the earth. And I keep taking my dog for more walks, trying to find more crystals, but he’s even wilder than before, almost feral, he keeps pulling at his leash, digging holes furiously, and one time this park ranger came over and was like, “Hey buddy! Get your dog under control! Stop letting him dig like that or I’ll write you up! I’m serious!”