Strictly business

I’m so sick of joking around. It’s time to get serious! From now on, I’m only going to be writing about serious things. And it’s all going to be very professional. Every day I wake up and I stand in front of the mirror, and I stare at my reflection for a while, and I’ll scream at it, “Why isn’t anybody taking you seriously?” And I just realized, just this morning, just as I was about to take that mirror down once and for all and show it who’s boss, I just realized that, it’s because I’m not acting nearly as serious as I should be. I should be acting at least ten times more serious. Maybe fifteen times. But I’m going to start at ten times the seriousness, and if I hit fifteen, I’ll be pleasantly surprised. It’s much better than aiming for twenty times and then being disappointed when I only get up to fifteen.

What does serious mean? It means no more jokes. No more fucking around. From here on out, it’s all business. If you want to read about business, look no further. This is going to be one of the most business oriented web sites on the Internet. Only business. One hundred percent business. Well, not all business. What I mean is, no funny business. That’s a type of business right? Funny business? Wait a second, I was primarily engaged in funny business before. So I guess I was somewhat business oriented. Just the wrong type of business. Don’t get me started on monkey business.

I just bought a briefcase. Super professional. Four digit mechanical lock. I just closed my laptop, put it inside the briefcase, went upstairs, put on a suit, came downstairs to me desk, took off the jacket, loosened the tie a little bit, and took out my laptop to continue writing. I can already feel the difference. I’m just feeling really, really, totally professional.

This new outlook on life is affecting not just this blog, it’s affecting everything. For the better. I was out walking my dog earlier and I saw this lady slip and fall. Normally I would have laughed, because everything was this huge joke. But that was the old me. The new me had absolutely no reaction, no response. I just walked right over her as if she didn’t even exist. But I dropped a business card right as I stepped over her. That’s professional. It’s called networking. Read any business blog, they’ll tell you how important it is to network. Scratch that, don’t just read any business blog, read this business blog. If already reading it, open it up again in a different window on your browser, and then network it with somebody else.

What browser are you using? The only correct answer is Internet Explorer. Firefox is for hippies. Chrome is for nerds. Safari is for total assholes. IE is where the professionals, the serious minded movers and shaker turn to get their Internet. I’m making it so that if you try to access this blog from any other browser, it’s going to infect your computer with a horrible virus. I can do that now. Why? Because I’m so ridiculously serious it’s not even funny. It’s definitely not funny. It’s actually a little threatening. Nothing’s more serious than a threat.

Will you get back to work! What are we paying you for, to work or to hang out on the Internet! I’ll answer that for you! It’s to work! Why am I using so many exclamation points? Because! It’s urgent! I’ve transcended serious and gone right to urgent! You better hope I don’t feel so inclined to turn the caps lock key on! Because you don’t even want to know how much more serious this could get! I could be writing this in all caps! Do you want that? DO YOU?