Monthly Archives: February 2013

I think I really want to win the lottery

Whenever the lottery gets past a hundred million dollars, I always start buying tickets. Everybody starts buying tickets. People at work start hitting you up for a dollar to pool your chances. You’ll be on line at the grocery store and you overhear the guy behind you and the lady in front of you talking about the jackpot, the big win, what you would do with the money, how much the take home amount is after taxes.

The really big jackpots, they never get hit right away. They keep growing and growing. And these multistate prizes, sometimes they get really up there, like almost a billion dollars. The chances are infinitesimal of actually winning, but still, somebody eventually wins. Somebody’s going to beat the one in a trillion odds. Why not me?

And that’s the mindset that I have right after I buy a ticket. I try to temper my expectations, but it’s really no use. My mind’s already planning out how I’m going to divide up the money, who I’m going to give to and how much. I always think about this, the dividing, and I never really figure out a good solution. Just give me the money first and then I’ll figure it out.

But seriously. I have a big family. Tons of extended family members. So does my wife. Do you have to make a list, like everybody that you know? And then how do you decide who gets how much? Immediate family would obviously get more, and then as you go outward less. But even that doesn’t sound right. It sounds almost feudal, something twisted about it. And wouldn’t that change everything, make every family get-together really weird?

Another solution would be to just divide it equally amongst just immediate family members, thus splitting up the responsibility of sharing with the extended family. But that sounds even more complicated. Depending on whose relationship with who, some people might get more, some might get forgotten. Can you imagine being part of a big family and somebody wins the jackpot, and while everybody else is getting cash bonuses, you get left out? Do you say something? Even if you do, even if you eventually get some money, that’s definitely going to do some lasting damage, straining family ties. Or what if everybody in the family starts sharing the wealth except for one person, he or she keeps it all to themselves. That wouldn’t really be fair but what are you going to do, make them share it? That defeats the whole purpose of sharing the responsibility.

And then on the other end of the spectrum you could just give the majority of it away and keep a small sum for yourself. Again, this doesn’t seem like a solution. Everybody that you know might get bitter, like gee thanks, you’d rather give your accidental fortune to a faceless group of strangers than to your own friends and family. And who are you going to trust to dole out the money, charities? How do you know your money is going to be doing any real good?

One time I saw a documentary about the lottery, and basically everybody that won a jackpot experienced a bunch of negative consequences, like losing all of their friends, or wasting all of their money on nonsense. There was only one winner, some guy from Vietnam, who really knew what to do with the money. He bought a bunch of gas stations, he started generating more money. He’d send tons of it back to Vietnam, building up his old community. He set his kids up with their own businesses, making sure everybody had the means necessary to keep making their own wealth.

But that’s really tough. Not everybody can manage a business. And that’s what you need, a good manager, somebody great with long-term goals, a leader. I’m not sure that I’d be a great leader of that wealth. But even if I won a jackpot and handed it over to a wealth manager, I feel like I’d still make enemies, people close to me who think they’d do a better job with the money. Maybe there’s no solution, for me, maybe it would ruin my life as I know it.

But I still want it. I still really want to win the jackpot. I wouldn’t have to wait tables. I could pursue any type of creative project, finance a movie, record an album, anything, everything. And so yeah, when the numbers get that high, I always throw money in. Maybe all of those problems would sort themselves out.

Today I bought a ticket and while I was feeling that feeling, like it might actually happen this time, like it’s totally going to happen this time, the logical part of my brain chimed in: you know you’re not going to win it. It’s almost guaranteed that you won’t. And that’s how it always happens. The momentary delusion slowly chips away, until it’s right before the drawing, and the majority of my consciousness is a lot more realistic to what’s going to and what’s not going to happen.

I was thinking, what about that Schrodinger’s cat experiment, the idea of the cat in the box that may or may not be killed. The gist of it says something like, until we as observers open up the box, the cat is equally alive and dead at the same time. I’m not pretending to understand at all what’s going on scientifically, but could it be the same with the lotto? Until we figure out who wins and who loses, aren’t we all in the same state of quantum flux? What if they do the drawing in a box, so nobody can observe the numbers being drawn? Would I get the same dead cat/alive cat magic? Because somebody’s going to win. Why can’t it be all of us and none of us at the same time?

Please hold

I’m kind of pressed for time here. We’ll probably have to cancel our lunch date. How about meeting up for a cup of coffee? But the lines. I don’t know. How about we just meet up at the coffee place? We’ll shake hands, I’ll say hello, you’ll say, “It’s been great seeing you,” and that’ll probably be it. I’m swamped. Barely treading water here. Great. Bye.

Cancel my two o’clock. Push my one thirty to two o’clock. Then cancel that two o’clock also. Actually, scratch that. Everything. Scratch everything. Let’s start over. Hold all my calls. Answer them, but put them on hold. Let everybody wait it out for a couple of minutes, then get back on the line, say, “I’m sorry, but Mr. G____ is extremely busy right now. In fact, if you could get off this line now, we’d be really appreciative, he’d be really appreciative, the phone company would be oh so grateful, all of these calls, hogging network bandwidth. Did you hang up yet? Just hang up, you don’t have to wait for me to finish my sentence. It’s nothing important.”

Jesus, I’m way in over my head. I need a break. Just a quick twenty-five second break. How do you set the alarm on this phone? No, never mind, I can figure it out myself. Is this the correct time? Well how does the phone know to automatically correct itself for Daylight Savings Time? Christ, I’ve gone and wasted my whole break. Well at least I won’t have to figure out how to rig a five second snooze button.

All right, back to work. Where are those forms that I needed to sign? How good is your signature? That’s actually a pretty nice signature. Change of plans, you sign all of the forms, I’ll take over on phone duty for a while.

Hello? Yes. No, I’m afraid he’s entirely too busy right now. Yes I have been told that I sound almost exactly like him. No, it’s just a coincidence. I’m sorry, but he’s still very busy. No, I’m sure what you have to say is very important. But there are a lot of people waiting … please hold.

How are those forms coming along? What? No, not with your name, with my name. This is ridiculous. I was commenting on your penmanship, not on your name. All right, let’s do another switch. I’ll finish the papers, you man the phones. Oh, but listen, line three is pretty convinced that my assistant sounds exactly like me and talks in the same exact way. Do you think you can pull that off? Terrific.

No, I’m way too busy. Did you see my pen? No, I don’t like those pens that you use. What are those, the gel pens? No, there are always too many clumps of ink that escape the tip periodically, and then it smears. It’s a big mess. No, not as big as you putting your name all over my forms. Hold on, that’s my cell.

Hello? No, I’m really not interested in taking a survey right now. Well, it’s not that I’m not interested, it’s just that I really don’t have any time here. Well, yes, well … listen, hold on one second.

OK, new plan, I’ll take over the phones again – is line three still there? – you take my cell phone. How’s your me impression coming along? I want you to take this survey. I don’t know, something municipal, something about civics. You know how I’d answer, right? Great, at the same time, I want you to keep signing these forms. But remember, my name, your handwriting. What a great combination that’s going to be. I can almost see it right now.

Hello? You’re still there? No, I’m afraid he’s even busier than he was before. If I had to guess I’d say six hours. Seven hours. Six. I’ll say six hours. You’ll wait? No that’s crazy. Just call back. I’ll have him call you back.

Hello? Yes this is Mr. … I mean, no this isn’t Mr. … I mean, shit, I answered the phone the wrong way. Enough with the survey. Get on line four and tell them I’m out to lunch, that you answered the phone in my voice and accidentally said that this is and then that this isn’t. Great? Great. I’ll be in my office. Hold all calls for the next forty-five seconds. I’ve just got to clear my head here. No, starting now.

Beyonce and Obama: An Inaugural Disgrace

Did you guys hear that Beyonce lip-synched the national anthem at Barack Obama’s inauguration? I’m physically ill just thinking about it. Hold on. OK, I held it back. But that was tough. Wait, it’s coming back. OK, I’m good. Wait. No. Wait. All right, I think it’s passed.

On inauguration day. What a travesty. What a mockery. Of America! Do you know that she didn’t even write that song? Come on, you’re going to sing a cover at the swearing in of the President? What’s wrong with you, Beyonce? Don’t you have any pride? Don’t you care about performing, about originality, about the President? About America?

And that was just Beyonce. Obama’s performance that whole day was just as disgraceful. Did you see the parade? Him and his wife walking down the street? Obama kept smiling and waving. Who was he waving at? Do you think he personally knows anybody that he was waving to? What a phony. Get rid of this hack. If I’m walking down the street, I don’t just start waving at random people. It’s so fake.

And the smiling? Is anybody that genuinely happy for that continuous a stretch of time? There’s no way his or the first lady’s smiles were real, not a hundred percent of the time. I’m sorry, but America deserves a President that doesn’t have to fake being happy. Fake smile. Fake wave. Fake national anthem.

Oh yeah, and that speech he gave? Pre-written. Read off of a teleprompter. What is this, Saturday Night Live? I expect my President to get out there and speak, from the cuff, off the cuff, from the heart. He shouldn’t have to think ahead about what he needs to say. Blah blah blah America. Blah blah blah we the people. Not leaving anything to chance are you Mr. President?

And speaking of fake speeches. Did you watch the speech on TV? Well guess what? That wasn’t the President you heard pretending to make a speech. It was your TV. You were looking at a screen. That voice? It’s just a pair of speakers. You’re going to let some stupid machine that you bought at a department store tell you how excited it is to lead the nation forward? I didn’t think so.

Oh, but you went to DC to hear the speech in person? Sorry, that wasn’t the President either. That was a whole sound system of speakers and PAs all laid out along the periphery of the mall. That wasn’t really his voice you were hearing, it was a facsimile of his voice, amplified by even more machines. You didn’t hear Abe Lincoln making some machine do his speech making for him. No, he stood there and he screamed so that everybody could hear him. Why wasn’t Obama screaming? Couldn’t you at least fake scream? A total lack of enthusiasm. It’s like the one thing he forgot to pretend to do was to pretend to care.

This guy is the worst President our country has ever had. And he’s up there and he’s fake smiling. You ever see that guy’s teeth? They’re way too perfect. Are you telling me that that is his natural smile? Absolutely no way. I’m sure he’s had at least a couple of fillings, maybe some bridge work. What a phony! He can’t even get up there and flash a natural smile. You know what George Washington had? Wooden teeth, like a real man, like a real American. Sure it was disgusting, and nobody wanted to stand too close to him, because not only was it unsightly, but toothpaste hadn’t been invented yet, so all of those gross gum abscesses, they really just kept the General at a distance. But nobody doubted his sincerity, his love of country, his devotion to the Constitution. Sure, you couldn’t always understand him, because, again, the wooden teeth, and when he sang the national anthem, well, I don’t think it was written until much later, but whatever, it was garbled and all of those guys were always kind of drunk anyway, but that’s the way it was, that was the safest thing to drink back then, booze, everything else might of had cholera or typhoid. But those guys, those men, Washington, Lincoln, they were the real deal. Not like this pretty boy Obama with his fancy fake speeches and his pretend national anthem and his microphones and his overcoats. You didn’t see Jefferson wearing an overcoat. And why doesn’t Obama wear a powdered wig? Too good for tradition?

Four more years boys and girls. Four more years until we can get a real inauguration with a real singer and a real speech. I mean, really.

Hey neighbor

Sorry I let all of those Jehovah’s Witnesses into the building. I’ve never seen them around here before. I just assumed one of the neighbors was throwing a party. Everybody was so well dressed. And smiling, and friendly. Who would turn them away? Whatever, they left eventually, right? No? Well, there are lot of them, had to be like fifteen people. They’ll get hungry eventually. Just don’t give them any food.

Yeah, I’m sorry I left the shower running. I was doing that whole steam iron trick. You ever hear of it? No, it didn’t really work. I mean, it was little less wrinkly, but definitely not what I would call pressed, ironed. And I didn’t even get to wear the shirt, if it’s any consolation, it was too damp, and too cold outside. No, I don’t see how that would be much consolation at all. Did the water do much damage? Yes? Well, that’s what we have security deposits for, right? Haha. I’m just joking, trying to lighten things up here. But seriously, can we maybe leave me out of this when you talk to the super? Just tell him the pipe’s broken or something.

What banging around? What time? Ten? Oh, my workout videos. You can hear that? Is it really loud? Geez, I’m sorry. Maybe I should get a carpet or something. You could always come upstairs and we could do the workout videos together. No? Well, open invitation. I sweat a lot though. It’s really weird. It’s like I’ll pop the DVD in and I’m already breaking out in a light sweat, just anticipating the moving around. You ever hear of plyometric training?

I thought I gave you your drill back months ago. I didn’t? Are you positive? I remember going to Ikea. Yeah, I borrowed the drill but I don’t even think I used it, because they just give you those little wrenches with the furniture. Did I give it back? Well it’s not here. I could look. I actually haven’t looked yet. I will look. Look, I’ll look for it. It’s got to be around here somewhere. What was it, a drill, right? What color?

OK, bad news, no drill. What about next door, did you ask them? Well, it’s just that they’re always asking me to borrow stuff and, I don’t know, maybe I gave them your drill. Yeah, they did move out a couple of months ago. Geez, that’s embarrassing. Can I just buy you a new one? Three hundred dollars for a drill? OK, well, I have a couple of ideas here. Either I can give you a lump sum, right now, cash, but it’s going to be significantly less than three hundred dollars. Or, I can pay you five dollars now, and any time you need five dollars, just let me know, door’s always open, and, you know, I’m sure everything will even out over time. It’s like buying drinks, right? I’ll get this round, you get the next round. Lump sum?

Look, if you need anything drilled, and I know this isn’t the ideal situation, not until we get you a new one, but I’m actually really good at drilling things without a drill. I can just press really hard against the wall with a screw and a screwdriver, and I can slowly drill it in there. I’m like a human drill. But, again, much slower. Do you have a hammer? Well, I just realized that I wanted to hang up some pictures, but I can’t find my drill anywhere. Do you have any nails?

What if I do the workout videos earlier? What if I take off my boots?

Oh yeah, and sorry about the fire escape. What fire escape? I mean, yeah, what fire escape? I didn’t say anything about the fire escape. What? No you don’t have to check it out. Yeah, why would anybody be out on the fire escape? Forget I said anything.

Honestly, there’s nothing I can do about the phone alarm. It’s the only thing that wakes me up. And yeah, I need like three of them, because I always just shut them off after like twenty minutes, so I need them staggered. Just, you should be up by then, so I don’t see the big deal. But that’s kind of a non-negotiable. Everybody’s got to get up in the morning.

Well, look, it’s easy, just take their literature, tell them you’re really interested but that you’ve got to go, and then tell them to go downstairs, that the tenant right below is leading a really sinful lifestyle. Then lock the door and don’t answer anymore. That got rid of them for me. It’s almost three. They’ve got to eat dinner eventually. In the meantime, you want to do some work out videos? This one’s all about isotropic stretching. Oh duh, your drill’s right there. I just … I’m sure the drill bits are around somewhere. Maybe I gave those to the guy next door. Bet you wish you took that lump sum while you had the chance, right?